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4:46 p.m. - July 09, 2002 First, I didn't get the grant I was coveting for grad school--the audiology department was trying to get Advanced Bionics (a cochlear implant company) to fund my entire grad school education. Well, they didn't want to do it. Okay. I have one option left: apply for a Chenot memorial scholarship and pray. They don't have an undergraduate student who applied for it, so I've got a chance. I just have to do it all very quickly--borrow my friend's printer and write a quick letter tonight or tomorrow morning, so I can have an application form waiting for me at home. This really sucks. My roommate from college is going to Penn State on a full scholarship, plus she actually has extra money, and that's why she's able to have an apartment off-campus. Despite everything, I'm still going to work like crazy this summer, even though some of that money is going toward going to my friend's wedding in Virginia. Augh. The other thing I hated today--this is horrible and I feel badly about this. I went to Marienplatz today to buy a few things I really needed/wanted before going home (pair of red shoes that I've been coveting, 4 books (ok, so I went to buy 2 books), and some hand painted champagne glasses for my friend's wedding). On the way into the subway stop, I'm on the escalator, and there's a couple, in their 20's going up. They're arguing. All of a sudden, the man slaps the blonde woman. She points her finger at him and yells some more, and this time the guy slaps her even harder, and the sound echoes in the escalator tunnel. The other people on the other escalators look just as uncomfortable and worried as I feel, and I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I was afraid if I did something, that guy would come over to me and yell at me, or worse, hit me. They are near the top of the platform on the way out, and I turn my head to look at the tunnel below me, and I hear a loud, echoing slap. I whip my head around, and I see that she's teetering, almost losing her balance. She's yelling at him. They're both yelling at each other, and he slaps her again. Then he kicks her several times, and she nearly falls down the escalator and catches herself. My heart stops, I'm horrified. And the worst part is I didn't know what to do. The fighting couple get up to the platform, she's yelling after him. I hope that when they get above ground, someone will do something. Maybe call the police on their cell phones--I can't make phone calls from the subway stations--there's too much interference and the cell phones don't work underground. I felt totally badly about this; I mean, why do people have to do things like that? Arguing is one thing--I've seen arguing couples before, scowling at each other, fighting with words, gestures. Never this type of violence. I hope that woman dumps that guy, I really do. I hope he hasn't done this to her multiple times before, and apologized to her, and begging her forgiviness. I hope... I wanted to cry because I couldn't believe people can be so cruel. To continue my aggravation: here's something for you to read: OSU and Bush. What is our country coming to? I hate this and there's a reason I didn't vote for Bush. I doubt he's read 1984 by George Orwell, or perhaps he has and thinks that the government system in that book's a good idea. Can't wait till it's time for the next election. And to continue this totally depressing entry: from 12 September 2001. Several paragraphs... "I never thought that anything major would happen while I was abroad, nor did I think that I would have to write anything except things like how we went to M�nchen (which we did over the weekend), or extensive things of "what I did in the Altstadt." But today I felt like my security was taken away. Yesterday, two planes -- hijacked ones -- crashed into the World Trade Center in NYC -- also one in the Pentagon. I found out through Jill and a listserv. Then I went to the Altstadt because we were supposed to watch Der Schuh des Manitus, and ran into Jim and Meesun...Meesun was crying because her boyfriend had told her what happened, and so I went with them instead of the shoe store and knitting store. Meesun made phone calls for about half an hour, trying to find out if people she knew in NYC were okay... This morning I went to school and checked my email. Mom said a plane at the Cleveland airport was suspected of having a bomb and Jill wrote this kind of sad email about how she felt, and I started crying -- not a lot, but just a little bit. I didn't want to go to class, but I went anyway (I mean, I was there anyway) ... Thomas let us go after 1/2 an hour so we could go to the B�ro to get coffee or read newspapers, email, etc. Anyway all of us went and read so many newspapers. I think the language course people bought like 10 English papers so we could read the different papers. So people read and read and read, and we didn't have our second class at all, I think the people know that this would be better, us trying to find out what was going on, to discuss all of that amongst ourselves ... But none of this feels real, none of this should be happening and today I felt so insecure and scared for myself. How safe am I really? Today I actually wanted to go home to hug Mom...." Boy, just thinking about that is sad...Remember, these are just exerpts from a really long, long diary entry. Also, Altstadt is the old part of town, Jim and Meesun were some of my classmates--Meesun studied at Juilliard. Thomas was one of our teachers at Regensburg. I want to make one comment--I didn't feel the impact of what happened till the twelfth--even though I was aware of what happened on the 11th, I really didn't feel like it was real. And I seriously, at first, thought Jill (my friend and former college roommate) was talking about Cessnas hitting the WTC. I mean, I didn't have a TV, nor was I able to access any online news services. I can't believe that so much has happened this year. More than I thought it would. Another comment I have to make is that I think being abroad during Sept. 11 was a different sort of situation. I remember us talking about how we felt. I remember us talking about being homesick, even though we had previously been too busy and happy to be homesick, and just sharing our thoughts. One of my classmates, Jen, started dreaming about going home to pick up things she'd forgotten, going home to talk to her mom. That was the first time in about a month that I had been homesick. Knowing that other countries in Europe were, at the time, supporting us. Knowing that the news would be extensive and more thoughtfully written than the ones in US (Europeans, on the whole, have this great understanding of foreign policies). The first, and probably only, time I ever truly felt American. Identifying myself as American, not wanting to be oppressed or hurt--thinking, "I am stronger than this." Another classmate said, "I don't want to cry because crying is a sign of weakness. I don't want to be a victim. I want to show people I am strong." Of course we all cried, we were all scared, but for that one time, we were all feeling American, feeling for our country. Now, of course, I'm jaded. And I identify myself as Ohioan.
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