4:53 p.m. - August 31, 2002
Introspection
Seems like I have a lot of little things happening. One is that I got a scholarship to pay for grad school this year! Yes! I don't have to pay for anything (well, maybe those textbooks, but that's okay...) No more financial worries for the moment. So that's nice.

Yesterday I found out that one of my best friends is moving to South Carolina. While I'm happy she's got a job, the other part of me is screaming, "Nooooo! You can't move!" Anyway, she's expecting to move in about a month--she just found this out and it just sort of reminds me of how I've been feeling the past month and half.

I'm going to be honest. Since I came back, I sometimes feel like an extra puzzle piece that doesn't fit anywhere. Close, but maybe something's a little too uneven or the wrong size. I don't know if this makes sense.

One of my other friends, who also was in Germany for the year, said in an email to me: "I was home for two weeks, but am glad to be out again. I dont feel much of a connection anymore more." He's now in Prague with his wife--she's Czech.

I guess during my senior year, I alienated myself from my friends because of stress and some unhappiness and my insane moodiness. And of course, being gone for a year doesn't always help matters, either. Especially since I know my other friends have grown closer and closer to each other, and were getting together more often.

So when I was in Virginia, I kept having this awkward feeling that I missed out, or maybe like I was emerging from underground. All of a sudden, I'm trying to force myself into old friendships and knowing that nothing is, in fact, the same. I mean, I've changed and so have my friends. I don't necessarily think we've grown apart, since we still talk to each other, but the friendship has changed. Does this make any sense whatsoever?

Now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, trying to start over again instead of picking up all the pieces because honestly, they are all not there. Some have been lost, and some are some new pieces I have to deal with.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm in graduate school at the moment. It's sort of a new beginning and I'm sort of starting to make some connections. And of course, some of my friendships became stronger as I lived abroad (such as that with my Canadian friend, Karen. I decided that if I ever need to move to Canada, I'm moving to Toronto so I can be near Karen.) I also think that some of my old friendships will be renewed, which is a good thing. I think.

However, I was hoping that Jeannette--the one who's moving--and I would be able to get together more this year. Apparently, no.

Enough with the figurative language. I need to call her and make plans with her. I need to see her before she goes out of this area for a while.

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