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9:41 p.m. - October 02, 2002 Let's start with the latter test. I studied for maybe twenty minutes; got an 87%--which by all means, is a terrific grade. However, when the professor asks you to list some examples of different things but does not tell you just how many examples she is looking for and she marks points off because you put one example instead of two--then that's not exactly fair, is it? So really, my grade could have been higher had she done that. Hearing other students, though, I kind of get the feeling that she's not exactly a flexible professor. Grr. I'm debating whether I should go up to talk to her or not. The thing about the anatomy exam, I still feel pretty badly about it. I didn't realize just how competitive grad school (and I) am. I mean, in undergrad, I had the highest GPA in the major, and now, I feel like I'm somewhere in the bottom. Sure, my grades are good, but I don't feel like I'm getting grades that are good enough. Does this make sense? And I hear about students who are studying a lot less than me, and they get like 100% and I'm getting B's and studying way more than them. And then they talk about the grades, so that makes me feel worse. It really does. It actually bothers me a lot when people talk about their grades, even when I was in high school or college, and I think it's also because I'm used to being teacher's pet, the straight A student (everyone in my chemistry class knew what my grade was: I was, up till the second half of the year, the one with the highest grades in the class and so on.) Good grades have always come so easy to me that now it comes as a bit of a surprise that it's not so easy anymore. And it bugs the heck out of me. I hate that feeling. As far as gossip, that's another thing I hate. The people I've been hanging around gossip way too much for my taste, and yet at the same time I also like them when they're not together. (Well, most of them). I guess one of the things I hate about gossip is that they are always complaining: "so and so said this, and I think this about so and so". I suppose the other thing is I feel like I should be on my guard because I feel like they could be whispering behind my back, saying, "Stacey is such-and-such, she kisses up" or whatever, even if it may not be true. Or "Stacey got a B on her exam, did you know that?" I think next time I'm not going to share my grades with anyone. It's really none of their business. And also, I think I learned how malicious gossip could be, when a few years back, I tried to stop some gossip about a friend of mine; these people--at a national convention, no less! were saying nasty things about my friend behind her back, and I was furious. So I said, "you know, that's not true. I've known her for __ years and you guys have known her for all of three days. She's not like that at all." And I talked to another guy, who looks like he'd be the sort to be gossipy but he's not, and he said pretty much the same thing I said. Without the knowing her for years, because he didn't know her at all. I just needed to rant. Since my dear friend is in South Carolina, and my best friend is in Canada, it's sort of hard to jsut run over to their places and say, "hey, so, I need to talk." And since the only people I get to see are the same people I'm talking about, I'm not exactly sure that it's so easy anymore. Sigh. Seems like ever since graduating from college, it's harder to find someone to talk to. I didn't have anyone I trusted enough in Germany, and my friends are all over the place now...it bugs me. That is all. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
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