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9:33 p.m. - October 22, 2002 Anyway, I woke up today with the same self-doubts, and they haunted me all day as I went through my audiology midterm for amplification and through my clinical practicum. Am I really doing the right thing? Am I really, truly in the right field? Would I be better off in something totally different, like art or interior design, or even German? I do not know. And that, to me, is one of the worst parts of it all--that loss of self-assurance. I went from being completely overly-confident (high school and college) to being an insecure mess. At this point, I'm not even sure if I'm average in anything. It's a blow, certainly, to discover that my self-image is not exactly the same and the same old doubts about my abilities arise over and over again. It's frustrating. For instance, I studied a lot for my exam today, and yet, when finished taking that exam, I felt like an ignorant blob. Do I really know what I'm doing, or is it just a phenomena of me finding my "groove" in my first semester of graduate school? Despite the confidence others may have in me (read: professors who have not had me in class yet, or former professors, family friends and my friends) I personally find myself being at the bottom of the ladder in comparison to my classmates, who seem to be catching on to things quicker and more confidently than me. I continually have to remind myself that I'm not stupid, but sometimes I feel that way. Grad school sucks, sometimes. Can you tell I didn't have a super-duper day? And to top it off, I discovered today that one of my favorite diary reads, mnemomnia, has passworded his diary. Sigh. I jotted off a two-line email to the guy to see how he's doing. I fell in love with his writing style, and to me, his style was like reading a good book by Chaim Potok, where words make me weep and contemplate humanity and the small, but significant emotions we all go through. Now back to working. I might skip homecoming this weekend and just study all weekend long. What an exciting life.
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