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10:38 p.m. - March 20, 2003 (Figures that most of the questions on the test revolved around brain stuff, central nervous system stuff, and all sorts of things that have to do with the grey and white matter in encapsuled spaces). But the other two exams, well, those went well--the first one earned me an A, and the other--i think a B. But that's good enough for me at this point. I'll deal with the rest of it later. I figure if I know I did all I could, then it's probably the right score for me. Plus, I didn't study hard for the latter exam. So I guess a B is pretty good for guessing and making up answers. Today it was also my brother's 18th birthday (18!!). I remember when Mom showed him to me for the first time--at the hospital. This is what I remember: my brother, all tiny, in that little plastic crib thing, and the nurse holding up a very naked male baby to the window of the newborn's room. And My nearly dying because it was a naked boy. I was six. Today, I keep thinking of Iraq and thinking of how uneasy I feel about it all, and thinking of how unfair it is ("Life's not fair. It's just fairer than death" -- William Goldman) but at the same time...at the same time... And I keep thinking of Bush's comment on CNN a few days ago: "Saddam can leave the country anytime"--something to that effect. And I kept thinking..."President....what if someone told you to leave the country? How would you feel? Would you even want to leave the country? Because you know what? That's probably how Saddam feels." And you know what? That makes me really nervous. It's a combination of my knowing about anti-American sentiment, and the lack of support of information on either side. And truthfully, I feel like all my information is coming through such a thick filter and the whole truth is being hidden. And this is why I feel so uneasy. That and because I have problems with people dying. I get the feeling that many of the people (on both sides) are saying that people in the opposing country's army are Evil and Bad, but at the same time, this little voice in the back of my head is going, "wait a second now....what about the people who are in the army because they need finances for college, people who are in it because they have nothing else to do, because it's required of them by their family or peers? People who signed up in peacetime and cannot be discharged, even though their "time is up"? Are they really evil? No, they are not...they are just as human as everyone else... People believing that people who do not support the war are Anti-American...that bothers me as well...I'm not anti-American, although I have admitted in the past that I don't consider myself "American" through and through, simply because I think of myself first and foremost an Ohioan...because that's where I feel my strongest ties and links...and that is what I constantly thought of myself when I was abroad last year....and I'm more concerned with the long-term effects of war...what will happen three years from now? Will our economy suffer? Will other countries be less willing to support us in our endeavours? Will we be under a curtain of isolationism? What till it be like a few years from now, when everything is "over"? Because truly, when the fighting is over, there's still a lot of issues that need to be sorted out....and this is partly why I did not want a war. I will wear my "Nie wieder Facschimus, Nie wieder Krieg" [No more facism, no more war] shirt tomorrow. I feel like I need to. I keep thinking of Natalie Merchant's song, with the line that goes, "Your daddy the war machine, your momma the long and suffering prisoner of what she cannot see..." I think it's just the idea of bitterness growing from the event of fighting, of conflict...and maybe the idea of an Iraq war made me think of "Life is Sweet".
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