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2:14 p.m. - December 19, 2004 Breaking up is hard to do, but there are so many lessons that you learn. Someone posted something on a bulletin board like, "Things I learned from my ex" and here are things I have learned. I have learned that falling in love with someone is one of the most amazing and magical things that can happen. But I've also learned that sometimes my love isn't enough; the other person has to be able to love you as well for the relationship to work. You can't change someone. They have to change themselves--just as I am the one that has to change. I may not like that--maybe I was happy being with that person, but the truth is--if someone doesn't love you, you can't change their feelings for you. And that's hard because maybe you have feelings for that person. But if one person is not happy, then the other person won't be. There are days when you are so consumed by sorrow and depression. That's normal. Ending a relationship is a type of loss. It is something you need to grieve. There will be days when people may tell you to snap out of it. However, grief is not something you snap out of. It's a process. And it takes time. You may feel like you want to cry all the time, and that's normal. But crying for 24/7 is not healthy. One thing that may help is letting yourself grieve for an hour at a scheduled time of the day...and that's it. And everytime a thought about the ex creeps into your mind outside of that scheduled time...tell yourself firmly, "I'll think about it tomorrow at 11 AM." And that is very hard. But it does help, and it does get easier with time. You learn who your true friends are. These are the people who are there, who listen to you, and will drop anything just to be there for you. This is what is amazing about friendship. Not the fair-weather kinds, but the true-blue friends who are there for you, even when the person you had a relationship with is no longer there. This is something to be completely thankful for, and as I sit here, I'm starting to get tears in my eyes because I am just thinking about what my friends have done for me, even if they may seem small and insignificant to them--they are huge things for me. Even just a phone call or a letter means the world. You begin to learn to be alone. I'm not saying to dwell on loneliness. Loneliness and being alone are different things. Being alone means learning to do things by yourself for yourself. This means learning to take care of yourself. Learning to rely on yourself. Making decisions by yourself and doing things you enjoy by yourself. Doing things that you used to do before the ex became a part of your life. You have to take care of yourself. You may feel like your whole self is not the same. It's not. You're dealing with grief. But if you aren't healthy, you can't heal. That means eating, even if you aren't hungry. Your body needs sustenance to survive. So, even if you can only nibble on some toast, so be it. Eat. Sleep. Drink lots of fluids--like water and juice. Make healthy choices in your eating habits, if possible. I've also learned that you can't let your grief completely consume you. That is, you can miss all kinds of opportunities if you spend so much time in self-pity and sorrow. I did. I cried so much and sulked so much that I completely missed the fall. One day, I looked at all the trees and realized that they were naked. This is when I realized that my way of grieving wasn't healthy, and that I needed help. Which brings me to another point. If you are in such a state, seeking help from a counselor or psychologist may help. They will help give you a new perspective on things, and they are objective about it. I know my friends are a tremendous help, but I've learned that sometimes it's hard for them, because they also get emotionally involved. And the psychologists/counselors are trained to deal with grief and relationships. And I've learned that asking for professional help is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes you need to take a breath and a step away from the ex. There are days when you want to call him/her and tell the ex about your day. That's normal. The reason it's normal is because that person was such a part of your life, that he or she was the first person to know that your grandmother is ill, or that you won some scholarship. But try this: Instead of calling him/her with your news, call one of your friends or a family member instead. They'll also care about your news, and you'll feel better for having told someone what happened to you. One of the hardest things to do is to maintain No Contact. Basically, this means: no calling, no texting, no messaging, no emailing, no writing. Anything that allows you to contact the ex and hear a response is one of the hardest things to do. It does set you back, especially if you haven't completely healed yet. One day you may be able to contact him/her, but at that point, whether you want to is up in the air. Contacting the ex may be something painful because it reminds you of what you wanted, and you are reminded of how they don't want you in their lives that way. It's possible that if they tell you they want to be friends, it could be the truth. I believe that is true of some people, while for others it is more a power-trip. For the people who really care about how you are doing, they will respect your wishes for no contact, because they really know how hard it is for you, and if they care that much for you, they will want what is best for you. They may miss you like crazy (as a friend) but they really want what is best for you. Maybe in the future, you'll find your way back to each other and be able to have the right kind of relationship that is best for you, whether it is a friendship or more. Right now, though, contacting the ex will just be a type of heartache. And that's not what you want. Focus on today. Not yesterday, not a week ago, not a month ago. Only today. Do not focus on the "what-ifs, shouldas, couldas"--the past is the past and it should remain there. For that matter, don't focus on the future either. What I mean is, don't let yourself think, "Maybe in the future, he'll come back to me"; "Maybe in the future, she'll decide she loves me and wants me again." That's not going to help. I know it's hard not to think about it--I've done it. But the thing that counts is the here and now--what you do today, what you think today, what you can do for yourself today. This is what works. The future will happen, and it will happen the way it's meant to. And today will soon become part of the past, and your grief and sorrow and anger and all those emotions you associate with the breakup will all soon be in the past. If you have any letters, notes, gifts, cards, etc., that the ex gave you, box them up or throw them out. Do what it takes to get them out of your sight. Reading them or going through them will only hurt you. Meeting new people helps, too. I've found newfound strength in creating new friendships and acquaintanceships, with both men and women. I can see myself learning to talk to others who may not be in my core group of friends--and making new friends helps because it opens up new possibilities. I used to think that my ex had "all of me"--like the song from Evanescence said...but one day I realized that my ex does not have all of me. We took parts of each other to make ourselves into the people we are at this moment. But the only person who can have all of me is ME. No one owns me except myself. I am the one with the strength and power to take care of myself. I am the one who has the ability to change and grow. I know that I'll come away from this a stronger person--yes, it's cliched, but it's true. I'll have a better idea of who I am and what I really want, from life and relationships.
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