5:07 p.m. - December 22, 2004
Decision
I miss Brian. I am missing him so much. How is it that I can miss him so much, and still love him so much even though he's hurt me?

He called me on Sunday; he had a Christmas gift for me. I picked up the phone. Talked...and told him...that the best thing for me is to really not talk to him for a long time, because it's really not fair to me--or even to him--to try and be friends right now. I said this because I am so unhappy, in so much pain...and thus...am not me. Reading this diary, you can probably tell that I'm normally a pretty happy, secure person. This time, I'm not feeling either way. I'm sad. I cry a lot. I'm not afraid to admit it. I have days when it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed. I can't sleep well. I've lost 15+ pounds in the space of two months. I'm not myself. And I hate that.

I hate that Brian did this to me...and I hate that I am still so in love with him, and I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I'm afraid that I won't find someone who makes me so happy again. I'm afraid that maybe Brian really was my soul mate...and that I lost him.

Anyway, as far as the sunday thing goes...we talked, and I said the best thing is for me to take space away from him, no contact...and at this point, we decided to return each others' things to each other. And so we did...and it was the hardest thing I've done, because it was like breaking up with Brian all over again, only it felt more final. More tangible, since my stuff is back with me, and his stuff is back with him. And he looked every bit as handsome as I remember him being--even though he isnt' Mr. GQ or anything. He's actually kind of nondescript, but to me, he was the most handsome man in the entire world...because I love him. That's the amazing thing about love. It really does transform a person. And we exchanged things, and as he turned away from the door, I could see him begin to cry. I can't tell you how much I wanted to pull him back and promise him I'll be everything he wants...but I let him go. And I think this was the right decision for me to make.

I also told him that if we're meant to be in each others' lives, we'll find each other again. But right now, I have to heal, and he has to discover who he truly is. I just really hate this and right now I want to cry. I feel like I've lost the one guy I really love. Why's this so hard, anyway?

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